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Poster: AltheaRose Date: Aug 9, 2010 5:34am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

Such a long long time to be gone ...

Hard to believe it's been 15 years.

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Poster: midnightcarousel Date: Aug 9, 2010 6:04am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

I was only five, but I remember it vividly. My dad came home from work in tears. He had a ticket for the upcoming tour (which he still has, along with all his other stubs). At the time, I was only beginning to understand what death was all about. That day might have been the first time the idea of dying solidified in my mind.

It sounds corny but you all will appreciate the truth of it: now I think of Jerry like an uncle I never knew, but feel a deep connection with because of what he left behind. When I listen to his music with other people it makes me feel more connected to them, and when I listen by myself, I feel more connected to him; so much so that at times it feels like he and I are actually talking (which, of course, we are).

I feel a lot of sadness about his death, but not the same kind as the people who lived through it as adults. I basically feel cheated because I didn't understand what I lost when I lost it. That hurts real bad. I don't know if I'll ever be old enough or wise enough to completely get rid of that feeling.

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Poster: ringolevio Date: Aug 9, 2010 7:41am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

Well, FWIW, I'm sometimes jealous of people who grew up around the music and the band, even if they don't remember it all consciously. It must be a very different thing to receive this music as a legacy from parents, rather than something (my age) did as part of a rebellion. I mean, I could never play the Grateful Dead in any room one of my parents was in, then or now. They can't distinguish it from Elton John and consider it all abominable.

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Poster: midnightcarousel Date: Aug 9, 2010 7:51am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

That's worth a lot, actually. I do consider myself lucky to have been shown what the music had to offer at a young age. Still, I really discovered it on my own at the end of high school, independently from my dad.

It's funny, this is the first time I've actually felt particularly affected by the date of his death, even though I've been listening nonstop since 2007.

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Poster: Mandojammer Date: Aug 9, 2010 7:42am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

Wow midnight -

"I basically feel cheated because I didn't understand what I lost when I lost it. That hurts real bad. I don't know if I'll ever be old enough or wise enough to completely get rid of that feeling."

I'm inferring from this comment that you now know what you (and all of us) lost)? There is a lot more wisdom in that comment than you you give yourself credit for.

I think it will always hurt - but it's what we do with the hurt that matters. Do we put it in a box and hold it to ourselves and let it sit there and chew holes in us? Or do we open it up and show others what the Fat Guy meant to us, and let it motivate us to go out and do good things?

For all the personal demons Jerry may have had (who doesn't have a couple?) he was a force of good in his life. I am content to have had a small amount of overlap and will treasure the memories and experiences I had.

"One man gathers what another man spills......."

The question now is what are we going to spill for others to gather?

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Poster: midnightcarousel Date: Aug 9, 2010 8:08am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

Very true. What he accomplished motivates me in ways I'm rarely even conscious of. I would be a completely different person without him, I know that much - I feel like there are few other forces in this world that could have taught me how to be truly open, and how to reflect on my own thought processes. His music was just so bare and exposed and honest, not hidden behind overdrive effects or what-have-you. His mistakes are audible when they occur, and his own reactions to them are also completely obvious. His ability to simultaneously create and respond to what he created in an honest way is a lesson I really took to heart.

It takes a lot of bravery, in life, to step out into the wild and say what you have to say, all the time knowing that it probably won't come out exactly (or even nearly) as you intended it to. That's exactly what Garcia did, even in his darkest moments, and I value the music not only for the obvious pleasures it brings but the Approach as a whole. It rises above music and becomes a really profound, life-altering event.

I feel real lucky to have caught on to this thing while I'm still so young. I feel like I've acquired a good amount of understanding (at first I wrote "truth", but that's not quite right) that I might not have picked up on otherwise. So even while I experience this bitter sadness, I will never forget that while the sadness is very real, it is only a reflection of a much bigger Good-ness that existed, and still exists, and will stay with me forever.

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Poster: AltheaRose Date: Aug 9, 2010 6:40pm
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

Really wonderful, insightful thoughts, Midnight. Thanks for sharing them ...

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Poster: ducats Date: Aug 9, 2010 10:56am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: I have a hole in my heart today.....

if you learn anything from his legacy let it be that you always "speak with wisdom like a child", meaning if you were'nt old enough (filled with enough wisdom) then..........